The Reasons

 

Locks of hair fall, covering my vision as I try to read the words on the paper in front of me. Through the thin strands of hair, I read the words, “Group Assignment”. It had to be a group assignment. With resentment, I lay back on my chair. I remove my glasses to clean the fog off of them. I can clearly see without them, but I wear them nonetheless. What’s the point anyways? If I wear them or not, no one is there to notice.  

What’s the point of friends? 

I look around and see my classmates happily scurry around, snatching people to form groups. I sit there silently, knowing I will end up alone, as always. Nothing has changed. Middle school was the same. High school will end similarly. Tattoos, piercings, longer hair, none of it changed anything. No one noticed. No one cares. What’s the point anyways? 

What’s the point of doing anything? 

I try to loosen the tie around my neck as it itches and rashes the skin around, but I stop immediately. I just need to bear it a little longer. While I am at school, I have to hide the peeking tattoos around my neck. What started as a way to fit in, to be normal, now lingers around my throat as a nook. It doesn’t make me cool, it makes me weird; an outcast. That’s all I am: the person no one needs in their lives. I continue to drip in the sweat and uncomfortably live with my decisions. What’s the point anyways. 

What’s the point of life anyways? 

Screech. Bang. Bang. Bang. Thud. Tables join around my lonely corner sheepishly. The startle made me drop the pouch I was holding. “What are you doing? Be more careful!”, yells Hiori, as she snatches the pouch from the floor and searches through it for something. “Ugh, why do you not even have a pencil here?! I need a pencil, come on! we need to finish this project!”, she retorts. Toshi hands her a pencil and asks her to relax. He leans over and says something about her to me. Both of us start to giggle. If only my old self could see my laugh. 

Friends help. Whenever, wherever, and for whatever it takes.  

“Hey! Stop it and start helping both of you!”, snaps Yuki, as she grabs a ruler and starts drawing lines on a piece of paper. I take out the textbooks and start reading out the answers as they hurry and haphazardly note it down. Locks fall and cover my vision. I pull them back and quickly put them together with a band Hiori hands me. The pulled back hair shows off my piercings. Four on each ear. It doesn’t matter if it looks cool or not. If only my old self could see me confident. 

You live until you find a reason, and everything you do suddenly has a meaning.

 Toshi groans and complains about the heat. He gets up and takes off his blazer and loosens his tie. I follow suit. The tattoo, now seen clearly, confidently reigns around my neck. The wind feels good and I can finally focus on the work on hand. With my friends. Working with my friends. The thought alone made a smile crack. Slowly, a tear trickled down the side of my cheek. “Izumi! What happened? Why are you crying? Are you okay?” Hiori spammed me with questions. I laugh it off and ask her to relax. People care now. My friends care. If only my old self could see me. See me happy. See me living, not suffering. See me with people I love. See me be helpful. 

It has only been three months and nothing seems the same. My glasses fog up and I remove them to clean them. What I see through the glasses is the old me. This is all that is left of ‘him’. I wish I could meet him and tell him that things change. That I am not alone anymore. That I am not an outcast anymore. I fold them and keep them in my bag. The old me is gone. Forever. 

You live to find people you love and people who love you and live happily ever after.

~Manav Jain - AS Level